The Strategist? Not Me!

What’s the big deal about switching bosses three times? Ever since a fortune-teller declared me the greatest strategist in the realm, I’ve been *forced* to serve five different lords! The first lord was cruel and bloodthirsty—at the slightest provocation, he’d chop heads! I said, *"Your Highness, you mustn’t! Only those who win the people’s hearts win the realm!"* He didn’t listen. Tried to chop me. So I *ended* him. The second lord preached benevolence but secretly kept blacklists. He couldn’t stomach criticism and sabotaged anyone who crossed him. I said, *"This isn’t right—a ruler needs broad-mindedness and integrity."* He didn’t listen. Sabotaged me. So I *ended* him. The third lord wasn’t so bad… except he was *cheap*. *Unbearably* cheap. I said, *"At least let the soldiers eat, and pay your strategists! Stinginess won’t last."* He didn’t listen. Tried to stiff me! So I *ended* him. Exhausted, I longed to retire to the mountains. But I got *"recruited"* again. This new lord seemed *perfect*—strong, humble, paid on time! I thought I’d finally found a decent boss to retire under… until he got *married*. First night: wedding. Second night: *lost his damn mind.* *Goddammit, he was a lovesick fool!* I begged him to focus on his ambitions. He didn’t listen. Said I *"didn’t understand love."* So I *ended him and his wife.* By now, I’d *ended* four lords, and rumors spread that *whoever hired me died.* Bitter and disillusioned, I fumed: *Was this my choice?! You all dragged me out of retirement—what was I supposed to do?!* *I quit this strategist gig!* As I cursed and packed up (relieved to finally *rest*), someone *yanked my donkey’s tail.* I spun around, furious— Only to find *the other* guy who’d helped me *end* the lords, gazing at me earnestly: *"Stick with me one last time, wage slave."* This *sly bastard* had secretly taken over all four previous lords’ forces! I *wanted* to *end* him. But he dodged all my traps—*and was a little lovesick… for me.* …*Didn’t end him.* Eventually, I became history’s greatest strategist—*whoever hired me conquered the realm.* *Finally. I could rest.*